Burnin' Love

Every few posts here at The Underworld, I turn the focus to a 1970s disaster movie (a genre I am hopelessly obsessed with), but it’s only a matter of time until I run out of them because there were only so many made! It occurs to me that, though I did have an entire posting all about Faye Dunaway in The Towering Inferno and my fascination with her and her taupe chiffon evening gown, I never really took the time to ruminate on the rest of the film (easily one of my top five favorites), so I’ll do a little of that now.

Following the stunning success of The Poseidon Adventure in 1972, producer Irwin Allen sought to duplicate his good fortune by creating another all-star disaster spectacular. The country was experiencing a flourish of record-setting skyscrapers at this time. The World Trade Center was finished in 1973 and in 1974 The Sears Tower was opened, boasting 108 stories. Warner Brothers had already purchased the rights to a novel called The Tower when about two months later Allen (working with 20th Century Fox) bought the rights to a similar book, The Glass Inferno. Both novels featured a gallery of people caught up in tall office complexes during cataclysmic fires.

The two major film studios realized the futility and foolishness of trying to compete against each other in bringing two disaster movies, each about a burning high rise, to the screen at the same time. They did something completely unheard of. They pooled their resources and banded together, creating the very first feature film co-produced by two big time movie companies. Blending the names of the novels into one, the result was The Towering Inferno. Oscar-winning screenwriter Stirling Silliphant (who had written The Poseidon Adventure screenplay), gathered several characters from each book and crafted a combined storyline. The plot focused on a gleaming new 138 floor high rise that experiences a devastating fire during a gala grand opening party taking place on the 135th floor, while briefly highlighting several romantic relationships. A mounting sense of dread continues as avenue after avenue of escape is stymied.

Irwin Allen was, of course, the natural choice to produce the film and he utilized a lot of the same crewmembers he had enjoyed working with on Poseidon. He also peppered the cast with various folks who had been bit players or had supporting roles in Poseidon. Initially, Steve McQueen was offered the role of the architect who designed The Glass Tower, a gigantic San Francisco building made up of offices and residential units. He was to be paired with Ernest Borgnine as the fire chief in charge of extinguishing the blaze. McQueen, however, felt that the really heroic character was the chief, so he said that he would rather take that role (after some beefing up) if Allen could find an equally famous star to play the architect.

Paul Newman was contracted to play the architect (now named Doug Roberts), which created sparks of a different kind. McQueen had, for all of his time as an actor, had a competitive obsession with Newman. He had a bit part in Newman’s successful boxing bio Somebody Up There Likes Me and had made it a goal of his to someday best Newman with regards to fame (and billing.) McQueen demanded that Silliphant construct twenty more lines for him within the screenplay so that their roles could be exactly equal (McQueen’s character is a late arrival, having no need to be on the scene until the fire has broken out.) Then, in another first, the billing was done in a staggered manner in which Steve’s name was on the left, but Newman’s name, which was on the right, was somewhat higher.

No one knew what sort of pyrotechnics were going to occur between these two powerhouse stars, but as it turned out they were not only highly professional with one another, but they also managed to have a great deal of fun, occasionally cracking jokes and otherwise yukking it up here and there. Nevertheless, McQueen considered this the pinnacle of his own personal success as an actor (receiving billing over Newman and equal pay.) Sadly, for him, it was almost all going to be downhill after this due to a myriad of personal, health and substance problems while Newman continued to work steadily, gaining prestige with almost every picture and amassing several more Oscar nominations along with a win (and an honorary one!)
After considering Burt Lancaster for the role of James Duncan the builder of The Glass Tower, the role eventually went to William Holden. Holden, a once hot leading man himself, fought in vain for top-billing as well and was horribly dejected when he had to settle for third. It’s been said that he phoned in his performance as a result, but I have to disagree. His line readings are suave, charming, passionate and heartfelt throughout the movie. He had to have felt that he was up against two somewhat younger and more popular actors and needed to give it all he had in order to register. I find his character quite interesting, actually. A man who carelessly turns his back as those under him cut corners, he has to face the music when everything starts to go up in smoke. He really adds a lot to the film and if he’s hampered by anything, it’s those ever-present horned-rim glasses!

To play Newman’s magazine editor girlfriend, who finds herself torn between bucolic peacefulness with him in the mountains or life in the fast-paced publishing world, the producers went to Natalie Wood. She found the script mediocre and had the nerve to call the project tacky (and Meteor, which she made a few years later, wasn’t both of those things and more?!) It’s especially odd that she’d be so dismissive when her husband Robert Wagner had a featured role in it as well! It’s okay, though, because her refusal resulted in the casting of Faye Dunaway, an event that changed my life forever.

For the part of an aging con man who has come to The Glass Tower to bilk a rich widow out of some cash, the makers wanted David Niven and then Peter Ustinov, but when they didn’t work out Fred Astaire was cast. His impish charm and his character’s unexpected sense of decency won audiences over and he was honored with a Golden Globe Award (as well as a BAFTA) for Best Supporting Actor and even got an Oscar nomination (his first, though he’d been given an honorary one in 1950.)

Some of the names bandied about to play the widow were Olivia de Havilland (who turned the part down), Esther Williams (who claims that her then-husband Fernando Lamas didn’t want her to work) and Ginger Rogers (who the producers felt might seem too gimmicky against Astaire.) Finally Jennifer Jones (two decades Fred’s junior) was coaxed into doing the role. She, too, won over audiences hearts as a caring woman who risks her own safety to try to rescue a deaf woman and her two young children. She was in semi-retirement at the time and, in fact, never made another movie despite gaining mostly positive reviews for her work here. She got a Golden Globe nom, but nothing from Oscar, which may have soured her experience. She had a bit of a champion in costume designer Paul Zastupnevich, who was aghast at the condition of the dressing room she was given and hastily spruced it up before her arrival. She provided the very expensive silk that was used to make her gown in the film herself and he once recalled being terrified to cut it lest he make a mistake (there was a limited amount of it.)

Richard Chamberlain was cast as the shifty, selfish, cheating son-in-law of William Holden whose cost-cutting measures turn the massive high rise into a chamber of horrors for its occupants. Chamberlain most often played caring, forthright characters such as Dr. Kildare on his earlier TV series and so he relished the chance to be a major son of a bitch here.

Playing his put upon wife, the daughter of Holden’s character, was Susan Blakely, a former model who had only been in three previous films, but who established a loving screen relationship with Holden and a strained one with Chamberlain. Like a lot of the cast, she didn’t get a chance to do a whole lot of acting in the film, but she does get to deliver the sort of hooty line to Chamberlain, “Roger, if you’ve done anything to Dad’s building…”

Appearing as Jernigan, the chief of security for the building is someone who once was a great national hero and now is a full-on international embarrassment, O.J. Simpson. He was never a significant actor, but he was a genial presence at least and got to share several scenes with Paul Newman, even ordering him around at one point. He caught some heat from some of the snarkier viewers of the film because of his character’s saving of a cat when there are people dying in every direction. It is a corny scenario, but animals have always been used for cheap emotional manipulation in movies.

Robert Vaughn of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. fame, was cast as a Senator and somewhere along the line the decision was made to change him from a jerk to a good guy, but there was precious little for him to do, so the onetime Oscar nominee is just sort of there most of the time, occasionally commenting or pitching in with something.

One of the couples most vividly remembered from the film is that of Robert Wagner and Susan Flannery. As a businessman and his secretary, they have a very self-contained storyline and endure some memorably ghastly experiences with the fire. Poor R.J. does look a little silly with that wet 70s towel on his head as he tries to make a run for it, but Flannery managed to convey a gut-wrenching sense of fear in her small part, resulting in a Golden Globe win for best newcomer (she was new to films, but not acting! Allen had used her in eps of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and The Time Tunnel and she’d been on Days of Our Lives for close to a decade by then. Her career in films never fully materialized, though and she’s been a fixture on The Bold and the Beautiful since day one in 1987.
The only substantial female role aside from the ones played by Dunaway, Blakely, Jones and Flannery was that of the mayor’s wife. Jack Collins, a sort of all-purpose TV actor, was cast as the mayor, whose job it was to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony. To play his wife, Allen cast his girlfriend Sheila Matthews. Now if you think a powerhouse producer like Irwin Allen had some curvy bimbo as a trophy girlfriend, you’re mistaken! Matthews was a zaftig, mid-forties character actress who had worked on Allen’s sci-fi TV series and had played the suppository-wielding nurse in The Poseidon Adventure. Her roles in his projects got bigger every time, especially once he married her and she became Sheila Allen. For some reason in Inferno, rather than having her dressed in a demure color that might obscure some of her figure, she’s in shocking Pepto-Bismol pink! There once was a time when major films (and this was one) offered commemorative programs for sale in the theater lobby and it took some creative writing on the publicists’ part to try in vain to beef up her credits when stacked up against the other, often more experienced stars. It’s not so much that she’s bad. She just sort of sticks out as a “WHO??” amongst the other names.

A few other folks of note pop up in little roles. Dabney Coleman, that master of comedic jerkery best known as the boss in 9 to 5, plays a curt deputy fire chief. Mike Lookinland, forever known as Bobby on The Brady Bunch, portrays one of the deaf woman’s children and sports a hilarious set of radio headphones, complete with antennae. Jennifer Jones has an amusing moment at one point after Lookinland has been pulled from a smoky, burning room. She’s clearly supposed to wait for him to say a line (“Where’s Angela?”), but he’s too busy Sarah Bernhardt-ing his way through his coughs to get to the line and you can see her struggling with how to proceed or at least trying to get him to say his line!

Another notable cast member was Paul Newman’s son Scott. Scott Newman attempted an acting career, but was frequently haunted by the immense success of his father. He was given the small featured role of a fireman wary of heights who has to take some attitude from McQueen. Despite the opportunity of being in a hot film, it was still a little demeaning to have to be called out as a bit of a coward by his father’s rival, though fortunately the scene ended with some mutual respect. Scott developed a serious drug problem, resulting in his death, and eventually inspiring The Newmans to create a foundation named after him.

Ernie Orsatti was the tan, tuxedo-clad young man who danced with Pamela Sue Martin in Poseidon and eventually did the memorable fall from the top of the overturned dining room into the large, decorative light panel. Here, he was utilized as a fireman, the one who rides in the glass elevator when it makes its perilous last descent after the power has gone out. Once again, he fell a great distance, but this time with a happier result. Then there’s Miss Maureen McGovern, future Broadway fixture, who shows up only long enough to sing the Oscar-winning love theme We May Never Love Like This Again, a portentous title that turns out to be true for all but one couple!

Many of the stars in this picture had worked together before, but, oddly, this time, a lot of them are rarely if ever seen together. Holden and Jones has starred in the smash romantic drama Love is a Many Splendored Thing (on which it is rumored that they didn’t hit it off), McQueen and Vaughn had done Bullitt together. Astaire had played Wagner’s father three times on the TV series It Takes a Thief and McQueen and Dunaway had costarred in The Thomas Crown Affair. Collins had portrayed Lookinland's father's boss on The Brady Bunch several times. None of these folks had any substantial interaction with each other. At least Newman had some brief time with his old Harper and Winning costar Wagner and Dunaway had a moment or two with Chamberlain who had worked in The Three/Four Musketeers with her. Not long after this, Holden and Dunaway (who clashed here over her tardiness) would go on to give memorable performances in Network, where they buried the hatchet.

Many reviewers (and some of the actors) remarked that the real star of the film was the fire (and perhaps they were right. Of the fifty-seven sets built for the movie, only eight remained standing at the end of filming after the combination of flames, explosions and the climactic watery deluge.) Just look at this, literal, towering inferno! Can you imagine? All scenes involved real fire as this was made long before CGI. Still, most of the performers turn in committed performances of more depth than they are often given credit for, especially considering the slender roles they’ve been enlisted to play.

I have two favorite Paul Newman moments. One is when he witnesses the horrendous burning of a colleague and makes an expression that demonstrates the stomach-churning sight he’s just witnessed. The other is shortly after on the telephone when he’s speaking to a resistant William Holden and exclaims in a very high-pitched tone, “We’ve got a FIRE here!” Later, McQueen, who has to go talk to Holden himself, gets to say the immortal line, “It’s a fire, Mister, and all fires are bad.”

Dunaway, who had been waffling over whether to chuck her magazine career in order to reside with Newman, has the great line, “If you asked me to go to the North Pole or to the cliffs of Mendocino, I’d go” to which Newman wryly responds, “How ‘bout I ask you tomorrow?” She has so little to say once the fire commences, but imbues every line with a detached elegance.

The parts I could watch on an endless loop are the scenes depicting the Promende Room's windows being knocked out, the failed rooftop rescue (marred only by a stuntwoman showing her snow white kneepads under her gown!) and the glass elevator sequence. All three of these display Faye's flimsy dress being whipped around by the wind. Susan Blakely gets an honorable mention for her crossing in the breeches buoy which gives her dress what for as well and trashes her neatly coiffed hairdo.

One thing this film has which almost none of the 1990s cycle of disaster flicks (save Titanic) had is a feeling of elegance and glamour. It's just not quite the same to see Helen Hunt's tank top get dirty in Twister as it is to see a blue ruffled tux shirt suffer the same fate! Sometime, in a future post, I’ll have to list all the similarities between this film and Jurassic Park. It’s surprising how many there are, though they aren’t all readily obvious. In Hollywood, though, formulas are rarely changed too much.

When the 70s disaster genre ran its course, it became immediately fashionable (especially in the wake of Airplane! in 1980) to downplay all their success and overlook any of their good qualities. Also, because of some late-entry duds, it seemed like all of them were shoddy, silly affairs. This film is in many ways the crown jewel of them all. It cost $14 million to make, which was a lot of money in 1974, but it brought in $116 million at the box office. Think about that! It was also nominated for eight Academy Awards including Best Picture, winning for its Cinematography, its Editing and the Original Song. As with Poseidon, John Williams provided a rousing score.

On a personal level, it began a lifelong love affair with billowing fabric and glass elevators. Several years ago, I went to the restaurant of a casino located about an hour from my home and the dining room was unbelievably similar in layout, design and even color to The Promenade Room, complete with central gazebo! This was no easy feat since the color scheme of the film’s room was the fairly garish combination of kelly green, teal blue and white! Nonetheless, there it was in a casino built around 2000! Sadly, the place underwent a slight redecoration about two years ago and is no longer as close as it was, so I can’t wad up the used tablecloths and utter, “Put these where they can get to them easily” or place numbered chits into a large brandy snifter to play “high rise roulette” the way Faye does!

It's Comic-al

Devoted divers here in the Underworld know that I sometimes like to pepper my posts with shots of unusual tie-in items such as bubble gum cards, paper dolls, etc… One of my favorite ones to use is the comic book. I was an avid comic collector during my pre-teen and early teen years, but mostly of DC and Marvel superhero titles. Now that I’m older, I find myself becoming intrigued by and amused by the photo cover titles that were based on popular TV shows and movies of their day.

Primarily published by Gold Key and Dell, these books are proving to be highly collectable and very much sought after by folks who either have a fondness for the personalities depicted on the front or for the project involved. The condition of the cover is paramount when determining the value. I’m not sure too many people even give much of a hoot what the inside artwork or story is even like! (As always, you can click on these pics to make them bigger.)

Barbie collectors have the ability to get their hands on some old books that depict their beloved plastic icon living the high life with her boyfriend Ken. These covers also serve as a record of some of the doll’s fashions that were available at that time. Like many of the other covers made at that time – and some featured here – there is a combination of photography and artwork that is simplistic and amusingly endearing somehow. Comic books now are very stylized and busy. These quaint covers are in some ways an oasis of simplicity.

Presumably still after the young female market is this example of a book based on the sitcom Family Affair. Precious and innocent as it is, it’s still a little jarring to see a cover of a prepubescent girl in the bathtub with Uncle Bill sitting on the side! Not a likely subject to be found on a tie-in, comic book or otherwise, these days. For those who don’t know, both of these people died in tragic ways. Brian Keith committed suicide rather than continue to suffer from terminal illness and little Anissa Jones died of a drug overdose while in her teens. She was, in her day, THE cutest child ever to appear on television.

Another girlie book would be this copy of The Flying Nun, featuring Miss Sally Field. Sally had made a splash in the TV series Gidget (all about the misadventures of a fun, quirky teen) the previous year, but overeager network execs cancelled it prematurely. When they realized their error, they foisted her into this show and it ran longer, leaving her with a legacy of preposterousness that took her years to live down.

Appealing more to boys (who might still be unhappy with all the pink!) would be this Mission: Impossible comic. I have always loved these sort of stiff, staged publicity shots. Eventually, they overstayed their welcome and now there’s usually an emphasis on the casual, but many shows offered up these stylistic portraits for a long time. It lent a kind of noble air to the team since, of course, they never appeared posed in this way on the actual series. There’s a post elsewhere on this site regarding the series for those who wish to know more.

Comic books were sometimes made for series that either didn’t last or that are only remembered today by a select group of fans who like a particular star. The Young Lawyers, for example, lasted on season in 1970 and is not a show many people recall, but here is a comic book adaptation with the stars on the cover. Lee J. Cobb, Judy Pace and Zalman King. King would later become a director of erotic films such as Two Moon Juntion, Wild Orchid and a plethora of softcore Red Shoe Diaries cable films.

Medical shows had a spate of immense popularity in the 60s and 70s, and two of the most popular were Ben Casey and Doctor Kildare. These series were in black and white for the bulk of their runs, so photographic comic book covers gave fans a chance to see their medical idols in color. Vince Edwards, the star of Casey, began his career as a nude physique model and a photo or two became unearthed many years after his TV success. It seems a miracle that his hair could fit under a surgical cap! Kildare starred Richard Chamberlain, who was adored by most everyone for his youthful, earnest presence on the series, and I must say he looks pretty dreamy in this shot. Unlike a lot of TV actors, Chamberlain, for a while anyway, was able to parlay his fame into a feature film career. In 2003, he belated came out of the closet as a homosexual when he penned his autobiography Shattered Love.

Lloyd Bridges son Jeff won an Oscar for Best Actor the other night. Contemporary audiences might know him best, if at all, as the steel-plated nitwit in the Hot Shots movies, but prior to that he was a popular star of TV, movies and TV movies. Sea Hunt was a successful show about diving (and Jeff, along with his brother Beau, guest-starred on the series while still young.) Here, Lloyd shows off some welcome chest hair, which probably delighted the heck out of little gay boys everywhere.

Star Trek enjoyed only middling popularity when it ran initially. It was in reruns that it caught fire. The photo covers for the comic version provide great opportunity for collectors to get their hands on rare stills of the stars that may not be found anywhere else. After a time, photo covers for this line were stopped and paintings were used instead, as the Enterprise’s adventures continued on long beyond the initial mission, making the photo covers even that much more rare and hard to find.

One funny thing that could occur in the wacky world of photography mixed with art is demonstrated here with these contrasting Bonanza covers. The first shot is of the three Cartwright boys with their father. After Pernell Roberts, as Adam, left the series, someone took the old photo and carefully removed Roberts from it, placing the remaining men against an abstract green background and white fence! Poof! No more Adam Cartwright. Christina Crawford used to complain about stepfathers and other folks disappearing from pictures in the household frames and albums. (“If she doesn’t like you, she can make you disappear…”) I wonder if Roberts could sympathize?

Before Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy starred as The Hardy Boys, the pair of mystery-solving brothers appeared in a Walt Disney version. This vaguely (and unintentionally) homoerotic shot is part of the reason why the duo was skewered mercilessly on South Park. Called “The Hardly Boys,” the mincing, lisping guys would talk about clues until they became aroused, telling one another that their “clues” were pointing a certain way, until they would go off-screen to do God knows what!!

One of TV’s hunks who is somewhat known and admired in the gay community, but who has almost completely slid out of consciousness amongst everyone else is Gardner McKay. One reason for his lack of recognition is because he only worked in the business for about a decade and intentionally left it after only a handful of projects to become a writer, sculptor and photographer. Still, his series Adventures in Paradise has a fond place in many men’s hearts. He won the lead role in the show because he really was able to sail. His dark good looks led him to amass a small cult following that remains to this day.

It would mostly have been grossly inappropriate for a pre-teen or teen boy to possess a muscle physique or fitness model magazine back in the day, but who in their right mind could object to Tarzan? Comic books allowed boys permission to ogle their scantily clad hero with no objections. Gordon Scott was one of the most muscular Tarzan’s in the film series’ history and was used in many covers. Before that, however, the divinely handsome Lex Barker owned the role and was featured time and again. All of Lex’s Tarzan movies were in black and white, so these color photos are a real find for fans of his. Sometimes he was featured looking serious with a few artist details surrounding him. Other times, he was hilariously inserted into fully rendered jungle environments, giving the covers a surreal quality. In all of them, however, he was tanned, toned and very beautiful! You can read more about Lex by clicking on his name in the column to the right.

Movie adaptations were somewhat common, especially if the film had an adventuresome quality or was a western or otherwise had appeal to young male readers. The Pride and the Passion, all about the transporting of a cannon during war in Spain. It featured a truly unusual casting blend that included Cary Grant, Sophia Loren and Frank Sinatra! Frank, in period clothes and fake hair, was featured on the cover while busty Sophia was nowhere to be found.

The Light in the Forest, which had been a popular book before Walt Disney made it into a movie, featured James MacArthur (in an amusingly fluffy Mohawk), shown here with Fess Parker, as a white boy raised by Indians who is eventually returned to his rightful family. (Oddly, the word “The” is left out of the title on this cover.) MacArthur, the adopted son of Helen Hayes was a hunky teen actor who later made a major splash on Hawaii Five-O as Danno, the subject of Jack Lord’s much-quoted line, “Book him, Danno.” Spartacus offered another opportunity for beefcake. Kirk Douglas played the lean, fit slave turned gladiator, forced into the games by bloodthirsty Romans. Again, this particular shot was one that couldn’t be found in many places, especially in those days long before the Internet.

How many comic books out there do you think featured the amazing blue eyes of luscious Paul Newman?! Not too many. One of them is the adaptation of The Left Handed Gun, the story of Billy the Kid. This one not only had the selling point of Paul’s baby blues, but it also had a photo in the bottom right corner of him with his legs spread. Ha! Did Mom and Dad ever wonder why Joey seemed to stare more at the cover than to actually open the comic and read the story inside?

Some people might be surprised to find that a comic book adaptation exists of such a somber and highly regarded western as John Ford’s The Searchers. The book featured a very serious portrait of John Wayne and not much else. The most recent DVD release of the film includes a reproduction of this item in the deluxe, boxed set. Original copies, even in the rough condition shown here (which I have enhanced a little for cosmetic purposes), sell as high as $35.00. That’s quite an appreciation on the original 10-cent cover price, though it did take 50+ years!

Most fun of all, though, is stumbling across a one-shot version of some goofy, obscure movie like this one, The Story of Mankind. Following his success with documentaries, Irwin Allen branched out into films with live actors. In order to secure success, he loaded the picture down with many, many names. However, the shoddy film, which paired bits of elaborate stock footage with inserted new moments filmed in cardboard settings, was an unintentional laugh riot and is frequently listed among the all-time turkeys. A middle-aged Hedy Lamarr portrayed Joan of Arc while Agnes Moorehead overacted as Queen Elizabeth I. Virginia Mayo was quite an unlikely Cleopatra, but she had nothing on the actor cast as Napoleon Bonaparte, Dennis Hopper!! Other stars, from Vincent Price to The Marx Brothers to Ronald Coleman, embarrassed themselves in the same way that others would later when Allen collected them to appear in his hot mess The Swarm.

I don’t own any of these comics, but always enjoy thumbing through them at flea markets or antique shows because you never know what on Earth you’re going to stumble upon.

When Irwin Allen Ran Out...

Where did it all go wrong??? First, Irwin Allen made some award-winning documentaries (The Sea Around Us, probably being the most notable), then a series of colorful and memorable adventure films and TV series (including Lost in Space and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.) When he produced The Poseidon Adventure, he started a wave of huge, blockbuster disaster epics that briefly dominated the 1970's box office including the brilliant The Towering Inferno.

Then, like ducks in a row, his next three big screen disaster flicks tanked...... deservedly. That's not to say that The Swarm, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure and this film, When Time Ran Out, are not entertaining. They are wildly, hilariously watchable in an MST3K sort of way. But the quality in the scripts and direction was gone (even though he kept many of the same crew around him.) This is very near the bottom of the barrel.

One thing Allen always did in his movies was to make them top-heavy with stars and this film is no exception. Paul Newman, William Holden, Ernest Borgnine and Red Buttons were all contractually obligated to work on a second film for him as part of their initial deals in The Towering Inferno (in the case of the first two) and The Poseidon Adventure (the last two gentlemen.) Also here for the same reason is Veronica Hamel who had worked in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure and whose screen career was effectively decimated by the pair of clunkers. Who knows what forces coerced Jacqueline Bisset to take part in this! (None of the stars, by the way, did any publicity for the film, knowing practically from the start that it would stink.)

Not one to shrink from publicity, himself, Allen had the nerve to send out a still photo that featured his own visage looming largely while the stars of the piece are featured in smallish circular bubbles on either side of his head! At least at this rate, the actors could try to allow him to take the fall for the finished product (which, in a way, he did. He never produced another feature film, working on TV movies for the rest of his career.)

The setting is a spanking new resort, which has been built on a volcanic island. Sadly, for everyone, the “dormant” volcano is anything but and the doors to the hotel are barely open before trouble begins! Developer Holden is visiting the new project with his girlfriend Bisset (!) who used to be involved with local oil digger Newman. Meanwhile, James Franciscus is married to Holden’s niece Hamel, but his eyes (and other things) have wandered to island native Barbara Carrera who is already promised to fellow native Edward Albert. Confused yet?

Stir in various hotel guests such as conman Buttons, pursued by investigator Borgnine, and former high-wire aerialists Burgess Meredith and his dramatic and fluttery wife Valentina Cortese. Then there is Newman’s pal Alex Karras who frequents a local watering hole run by pidgin-English speaking Pat Morita and his chubby wife Sheila Allen. Sheila Allen is a story unto herself. Once Irwin Allen’s girlfriend, Sheila Matthews, who had scored various roles on his TV series, she later played the nurse in Poseidon, then graduated to the role of the Mayor’s wife in Inferno and here, showing off her new name, she bags (hogs?) mucho screen time, possibly more than Holden and is excruciating to watch and listen to. Her garish character, basically a madam, screams out to be pushed into the lava.

Star-laden as the movie is, one problem is that, for the climactic escape sequences, characters played by utter nobodies are inserted so that if and when they bite the dust (or, rather, bite the lava, no one gives a care!) These include a sweaty, hulking native man with two wide-eyed, unappealing children along with two trashy-looking girls (prostitutes?), one brunette and one blonde, and that is just about as much as we ever learn about them! (These chicks are played by women chiefly known for their contributions in the area of stunt work, thus it’s pretty much understood that Meryl Streep-level, or even Heather Locklear-level, acting is not to be expected.)

Likewise, a preposterous segment involving escape by helicopter has a plethora of non-integral “characters” (really just various stuntpeople) clinging to the craft before dropping to their (presumed) death in the ocean as the helicopter swerves and pitches in ways that seem designed to eliminate the people from its rails. The helicopter had previously been shown with at least as many people clinging to it, so we’re likely supposed to attribute all the calamity to bad “driving?”

Most of the better-looking and more fascinating characters (such as there are to be found in this mess) are left at the hotel to be done away with in one fell swoop.

Hardly a cliché is left undemonstrated in this lame, cheap-feeling, waste of film. Nearly all of the stars had been in previous, better disaster films and in this one, they recreate situations that were done to far greater effect in the earlier movies. It’s amazing the way scene after scene smells of warmed over predictability. The structure of the film in comparison to both Poseidon and Inferno should have been embarrassing to Allen, but it wasn’t. Anyway, by now there was a strict formula to be followed with these pictures, which is part of the reason why the cycle burnt out as the 80s dawned.

The camp factor kicks in early when Newman and Franciscus step into a volcanic diving bell, the controls for which have a huge display light amongst them reading "MALFUNCTION". Ummm...most people shouldn't be getting into a contraption in which the largest item on the control panel is a light marked malfunction!!! (That should have been stamped on the front of the script as well!) It’s no surprise then when the light pops on and the men are almost fried to a crisp. One unintentional scream occurs, too, when this ludicrous laboratory built right at the rim of a volcano, finally gives way and flops into the mouth of the rumbler like a deflated phallus.

Perhaps looking thinner that he’d ever appeared in a movie, too thin if we’re being honest, Newman has one scene in which he and his men strike oil on the island and he’s covered in sludge. This serves to accentuate his famous blue eyes, but boy are the men a mess afterwards! While the other drillers want to celebrate the occasion, he’s concerned about why the oil came out with such extreme pressure.

He and Bisset have a beachside picnic scene that is highly annoying. It’s assumed that they went ahead and drank real champagne during filming, for why else should they be in such exasperatingly good moods? They laugh and carry on at something that the audience isn't allowed in on... Maybe they saw the dailies of the volcano effects.

The "effects" are mostly very tacky and unconvincing. The destruction of the hotel is easily the worst. Just a yellow animated blot cast over footage of the resort. However, even they can't overtake the humiliation suffered by several of the film's stars.

Franciscus is immortalized on film in a polyester suit with WHITE patent leather shoes. Karras chases a rooster around while a wall of water is forming over him (caused by a tidal wave, created by the eruptions.) Cortese (!) heads off on her strenuous mountain climbing trek draped in chiffon and wearing wedgie shoes. Haggard-looking Holden gets to ride in a blazer with Morita, Allen and the two unknown "actresses" who look like they were recruited at a local Pony Keg while buying cigarettes and a bottle of Riunite. Buttons is inexplicably coiffed in a grey curly wig and complimentary mustache and Borgnine spends half the movie with his face mostly covered (He was probably grateful for that after seeing the finished product!) Their Mutt 'n Jeff relationship is an insult to their earlier collaboration. Blue-eyed Albert has his hair dyed dark in order to portray his native blood.

Meredith being a former tightrope walker, it’s only natural that, at some point, he’ll have to put this unusual skill to work again. He takes part in an excruciatingly extended set piece in which he has to navigate a collapsing wooden bridge with a child clasping his neck as lava streams underneath them threateningly. (The immense heat and steam that this would seem to give off doesn’t appear to be much of a factor, however!)

The one saving grace is the ever-gorgeous Hamel who turns in a brief, effective performance (even if her character is more than a little foolish.) She was also one of the best things about Beyond…Poseidon, but had to retreat to TV where, thankfully, Hill St. Blues awaited. The lovely Carerra also comes out fairly unscathed (and certainly suits her role well, what with her dark coloring), but is never given enough to do.

Bisset and Cortese previously appeared together in Francois Truffaut’s Day for Night (!) and probably wished that that had remained their only collaboration once the reviews for this turkey hit the streets. Try a drinking game that involves a shot every time Bisset turns away from something in horror. If only she'd turned away from her agent as quickly when he presented this project! She, for reasons known only to her, effects a weird sort of speech impairment in her early scenes, which later gives way to a case of the giggles and finally a sense of nonentity, period. An undeniably beautiful woman, she was in the middle of a very bad stage with regards to her hair and it looks horrible most of the time here. Some posters (including the one at the top of this post) tried to capitalize on her sizeable breasts that had caused such a stir in The Deep a few years earlier, but no one need bother to sit through this just to see her cleavage.

Somehow this film received an Oscar nomination for best costumes, even though most of the items in the film are not only vomitously ugly, but often inappropriate! Also, I cannot recall any other Hollywood film that features such ridiculous looking and acting extras. Most of the people look like they were given a 40% discount on their 50 and Over Bus Tour if they would stand around and sort of look concerned about dying any second.

The 2009 DVD at least presents a crisp, widescreen print which enhances things ever so slightly, but is lacking a good half hour of scenes, most of which had helped at least a little bit to flesh out the paper-thin characters and provide key information regarding their subplots! The film premiered at 121 minutes, but was expanded for TV (and VHS video) to 144 minutes. The DVD runs 109! This may make it more palatable for some viewers, but is a crime against people like myself who like our cinematic cheese in the largest possible chunks!

In the longer versions, it’s true that a lot of the footage is made up of crowd reactions to things and driving (driving, driving!) in caravan formation, but there are also significant revelations between the characters, including two people discovering that they are related to one another, and even a death scene that is only alluded to in the truncated cut. The two blessings of the 109 version is that Alex Karras’ cock-fighting scenes are greatly diminished while a scene between Franciscus and Hamel is actually a touch longer and includes them stepping into a shower together.

Costing close to $22 million to produce (with precious little of that showing on the screen. Star salaries ate up a healthy chunk of that amount.), the film made just over 1/20th of that at the box office, playing to almost vacant theaters before being yanked swiftly and clamping the lid on Allen's big screen days.

Newman regretted making this “volcano movie” as he termed it, but the salary he made for appearing in it went, in all or part, towards the setting up of his wonderful Newman’s Own company, which has down countless things for various educational and charitable groups over the years since its inception. That may be the only true good to ever have come from this apart from the mirth it has granted various snarky audience members.